it's about now.

i live in the now. i don't like looking back on the past. there is no point. moving forward is better than dwelling.
life is scary and hard. but most of us make it through.
the saying i used to live by, i find a lie.
"in life, no one gets out alive"
yes in all literal senses it's true, we all die.
but the ones who survive are the ones who gave it their all and lived their life to the fullest.
i plan to be someone who makes it. i have my lowest of the low points in life, but then i have those times where nothing could get me down.
suicide has been in my family, i hate it.
i write this blog because i realized that no one can save you in the end. it's only up to you. i want to live everyday like it's my last. telling everyone that i love, how much i love them, and how much they mean to me.
i try to be an affectionate person. i try to care. i try to be there. i try to love.
the fading scars upon my wrists remind me of my old ways. cutting. suicidal thoughts. depression. lots of it. i have changed.
yes, i still have depression, it doesn't just fade away into nothing, but i'm conscious of it. i'm conscious of how i deal with it.
save yourself.
save the ones you love.
save someone.
and if you think you don't know how to do that, you are mistaken.
everyone saves someone.
just by being yourself.
telling someone the truth.
telling them you love them.
telling them you care.
anything.
even just a hug, or a handshake, or a kiss.
it might mean everything to someone.
maybe just being there while someone cries on your shoulder.
or being there, sitting around, doing nothing, but talking about stupid stuff.
that could be the key to life.
the key to life is love.
the meaning of life is love. change. hope.
be there.
save.
♥

craazy! <3

well i am a bit boy crazy. i love guys. i love realtionships. i just love being loved and loving them in return. guys are a HUGE part of my life. im not just in a relationship for looks or the "good stuff". im in it for the love. i dont believe hidden relationships can work, from personal experience. i dont believe second chances are given, they are earned. long distance relationships seem to hard.

things i love about guys, well there is a lot. there is so much to each and every individual guy. spontaneous. mysterious. charming. smart. just an all around good personality. and a sense of humor. oh...and to be understanding. he also has to care, ive done stupid stuff and he needs to understand that its not always his fault. one thing in a guy i love so much is when he can pick me up. i feel so incredibly special. eyes, i get lost in them. smiles amaze me. this is weird, but i always love guys noses. i find them somewhat adorable. haha im a freakk. when a guy bites his lip or licks the bottom of his teeth makes me freak! i find it beyond adorable.

im also a little out there. my parents think im a slut. my friends believe i have torrets. my grandparents think i have some major issues. my brother just thinks im very strange. my friends parents love me, for the most part, and thats because i am a big kiss ass. my teachers somehow really know me, and they get me. they always kinda get why i am the way i am in class. counselors always tell me i worry way too much, and that i have anxiety problems. my friends always know im here for them, but i need them to be here for me too.

WEIRDNESS!

i have what people call "emotional issues". i have depression, anxiety, and acute paranoia...? my doctors wont perscribe me antidepresants. they say if i take them my suicidal thoughts will increase. oh yahh, i have a lot of suicidal thoughts. i have tried to commit suicide a few times [rather not say how many], but something always stops me: fear. and love. i know im loved way to much. i may not always act like i know. but deep down i do. i have had five mental breakdowns in the past two years. most of them in the past year. i hate having anxiety cause i constantly worry about EVERYTHING and EVERYONE! its annoying as hell. but its a part of life i guess. thats why i am not offended when i am called a worry wort.

i love going green, but not going crazy. haha. im the one who takes 20 min showers. when i brush my teeth i put water in a cup to use so i dont leave the sink running. i have one of those energy saving lightbulbs in my room. it gives off a weird pinkish glow sometimes. haha. i have OCD with making sure all the lights/TV/fan is off when i leave an empty room. but then there is the side of me that wastes energy... i love using the computer. im on it a lot. i love love love my phone, wich means i have to charge it. and i usually fall asleep to the TV on.

did someone say SHOES? ok. i love shoes. no thats an understatement. i am addicted to shoes! i may not always seem like it, but i am. i love my etnies. i got them from my cousin bridget. i have one pair of flip flops. and they are very uncomfortable, but i love that they are just simple. black. i have my red chucks wich i am in love with. i dont have many shoes, but i wish i did. then i have my lovely dress shoes. my 4inch red heels that i wore to chris's cotillion. my white wedges that i used for my semi formal. and a hideous pair of black heels. i hate them. a lot. i plan on having lots more shoes to add to my collection.

im a music freak. i love mostly everything. i dont like most rap. or most country. and a lot of hip hop and pop. or death metal. i do really like alternative, all alternative. indie. metal. punk. screamo. i have eight different playlists on myspace because i need my different music for my different moods. a FEW i really like are: blink 182, yellowcard, the messenger, the academy is, nevershoutnever, morgan laurance, the maine, dance gavin dance, nice guys finish first, slipknot, misfits, three days grace, skillet, boys like girls, paramore, queen, hellogoodbye, the wedding, taking back sunday, a day to remember, all time low, cobra starship, my chemical romance, owl city, dashboard confessionals, fall out boy, coldplay, plain white t's, augustana, david archuletta, david cook, daughtry, kelly clarkson, avril lavigne [old stuff], cash cash, less than jake, reel big fish, hit the lights, cute is what we aim for, gorillaz, playradioplay, hey monday, attack attack, four year strong, lovehatehero, and WAYYY to much more.

if you asked me: what do i live for? i would say dreaming. daydreaming actually. i love to daydream. its some of the happiest times in my life. dreaming at night or dreaming while sleeping isnt really likeable to me. i have scary dreams. daydreams present fond memories, and things i would love to have happen. dreaming while sleeping dreams scare me. dreams of death. dreams of fear. its just so creepy.

fears. i have a few. clowns! bridges! heights! jelly! and death! im scared of clowns because of the movie IT. killer clown. but the only time i dont mind it is when i watch killer clowns from space, idk awesome movie. bridges because my uncle commited suicide by jumping off the walt whitman bridge. heights because, well idk, i just dont like them. and death because i dont want to die, but then i do.

stupid things and choices are a part of life. yes, i have smoked a ciggarette. it was nasty, im not gonna do it again. probably. i have drank alcohol. im not a huge fan. i do like some stuff. and i am guilty of drinking out of adults wine glasses when they arent looking and going in the liquor cabinet. drugs aint my style. stupid. pot...no there is no PHYSICAL addiction, but there is a MENTAL addiction. i have people in my family that have done that and then quit, so i know.

writing<3.i love it! i may not be the best, but i try. i love to write/type. as you can see by this long long long blog. haha. all my feelings expressed in words is hard to do, but i work at it. i would love to have a daily journal, but its to much to remember, and sometimes i just dont wanna write. story ideas race through my mind. but i dont always want to write about them. poems are fun to write, but i suck at them. but one day i wish to be an author.

photography. obsession. that is my obsession. thats why i constantly have new pictures up. i love capturing a moment in time forever. a memory. good times. i love pictures of myself. yahh, call me conceited. shoes are awesome to get pictures of. editing pictures is awesome, too. i love different angles, and lens tricks. mirror shots are cool WITHOUT flash. i hate flash. it just ruins the atmosphere of th picture. but thats just me.

OCD much? yahh. i have obsessive compulsive disorder. not really bad. like i dont need professional help [for that]. just i hate odd numbers. long words are not in my dictionary because i need to know what they mean! i hate using words that have silent letters. i have to make sure if im leaving a room and no one else is in it that the lights and everything else is turned off. the TV volume has to be on 16 or 18. my cereal has to end with two. my food cannot touch. unless they are a good combination. and my food cannot have tomatoes on it.

stress is bad. stress sucks. when i stress i do odd things. like rubbing my thumb and index finger and making that awful sand paper noise. or eat sugary foods. i freak out really easily to when im stressed. like if i txt someone and they dont txt back i get worried. and when i stress i like to be alone, but my mother doesnt seem to get that.

i am quite odd when it comes to my sleeping habits. all summer i sleep in the living room on the couch. i stay till 1 or 3 or 5. usually till i fall asleep in texting, mainly gigi. haha. we have some good texting times. but when she goes to bed first i usually stay up. sometimes. then i have my nights where i cant sleep. [like tonite] [its 5:19am] ill stay up on the computer listening to music. i edit pictures, my playlist, and my profile at this time. some nights i dont sleep at all and am up for over 24 hours. these are the times where i do most of my thinking. like right now. i cant sleep because yet again my thoughts are racing.

clothes!!! i love it. im a shoppoholic. kinda... i love borrowing my friends clothes to. mix & match. i love to do it. and sometimes i like clashing. i either base my outfit around my shoes, or make them clash. i love borrowing friends clothes because it gives me a chance to try something new. haha. hoodies are probably my favorite article of clothing. then skinny jeans. then shoes. then shirts. then acessories. then my undershirt. then everything else.

my family is wayy out there. and there are a lot of issues in my family. a lot of these issues made the person i am today. December 23, 2006 at aprox. 7:30 am on the Walt Whitman bridge my uncle Micheal Romano commited suicide. he jumped off the bridge after talking to his wife, my aunt Debbie. this devistated me, and the whole family. 2004-2005 was my brother's eight grade year at GLMS. this was a very hard time for him. he tried commiting suicide so many times. it was the saddest time in my whole life. one night with alex we were having a camp out in the living room and he was getting ready for bed. he poured out a bottle of asprin onto the coffee table and looked at me. he said "meghan, dont worry if there is a blue body bag here in the morning. i love you". and swallowed a huge dose of pills then drifted off to sleep. i cried and ran into my room and prayed and prayed untill i fell asleep with my rosary. the next day i found him awake on the couch. i was so happy i didnt loose him. soon after this day he was taken from school to be put into the Psych Ward at Kennedy Hospital. he was gone for a week. there are a lot of drugs in my family. a lot have stopped, but it wasnt always like that. my mom was also an alcoholic when i was little. my family is very disfunctional.

Short story. English homework.

“Ah. Study hall” I thought to myself. Study hall was my favorite period, my free period. I walked the corridors alone, stopped at my beat in, blue-ish locker, and rushed to the heavy metal doors. I pushed the gray door open with my purse, I dare not touch these rusty old doors. They were tall and covered in blotches of gum, it was not the most welcoming entrance.

The sunlight poured into the empty hallway as the door rushed open. I stepped out into the bright scenery. I have always loved how the sun makes everything looks so bright, the reason I wore bright clothing. Today my outfit consists of a neon yellows dress that was knee length; white leggings; lime green Chuck Taylor’s; and a white sweater. Of course I was decked out in bracelets and necklaces and piercings, like always. I loved to stand out in a crowd, well I have ever since I moved to Wishford.

I was just like every other new kid, I didn’t know anyone, and no one knew me, which is just what I wanted. I even got a new start, but it wasn’t one I would have ever wished for. I was know as “the weird girl”. From my short height of four foot seven, to my love of bright colors. My jade green eyes, to my natural straight light brown hair. My facial piercings, to my heavy make up. And of course, my pale and fragile complexion didn’t help my case.

My left eyebrow is pierced twice, I have two lip rings on the right side of my lip, and my nose is pierced. I wear a tight black choker with a button on it, a necklace with angel wings, and a chain that holds my keys and soda tabs. I have rubber wristbands of all colors, a spoon bent into a bracelet, and a hemp bracelet. And around my left ankle hangs a silver anklet. I loved my jewelry.

During my free period I was allowed to leave the school premises. I usually walked down to the park to write some poetry, or to take some new pictures. Sometimes I just sat on the swings, thinking, and listening to my MP3. It was my time to escape the world, I always enjoyed my alone time. I searched my purse for my watch and MP3 as I proceeded to walk to the park.

I stopped dead in my tracks, as if I was a deer caught in the blinding headlights of a large car. Cosette, just the name made my skin crawl. She stood there with a smirk on her face as she stared at me. Her curly mane of white-gold locks, and her small black bead-like eyes stared at me intensely. She crinkled her nose as if some smell struck her as gruesome. She started to walk towards me.

“Rochella. Rochella Emanuel. Thought you could escape me forever?” she sneered at me.

I stood, frozen. I couldn’t think of what to say. Why was she here? Had she come to spread the story of my awful past? I hoped not.

“Not forever, just long enough to have my story fade into a rumor” I managed to stammer out.

She grabbed my sweater and pulled me close to her. My bright and sunny April morning turned into a gloomy and dreary night in an instant. My past was back to haunt me. This is the day I always hoped wouldn’t come.

All of a sudden I felt a sharp pain in my right cheek. Warm liquid poured down my face, and I snapped back into reality. She punched me. Very hard, I might add. I wiped my cheek and I felt my anger rise up. I went to punch her back, but I resisted.

“No, I can’t do that again” I whispered.

“Think you can hold back forever?” she laughed as she wiped her stained knuckles on my purse.

“I don’t have that issue anymore. I have changed, whether you believe me, or not. I got help, I couldn’t hurt anyone else” I said as my memories flashed through my mind.

“Oh, because after you hurt Chelsea so bad, the thought of anger disgusts you? You crippled her, and she did nothing to you. Some harmless teasing maybe, but you hurt her more than she could have ever hurt you. She lay in a hospital bed all day, every day, thanks to you” she barked as her eyes welled up with tears.

Before I moved to Wishford, I was detained. And even before that I lived in a small town, hundreds of miles away. In that small town, in the even smaller high school, I was known as a bully. I beat up anyone who made me mad, or had a problem with me, or even looked at me funny. The girl Chelsea that Cosette mentioned was one of my biggest problems. We never got along, even in grade school. One day I didn’t want to hold back, even on my own cousin. I beat up my own cousin Chelsea for being so rude to me. One swift punch to the back had crippled her. I never meant for that to happen, but I couldn’t control myself. I was arrested and taken to a detention center.

“You know I never meant to hurt her. I just wanted the teasing to stop. I couldn’t take it anymore, I moved away so I would forget everything that happened back in Alley. I told Chelsea I was sorry, and begged for forgiveness” I spurted out through my tears.

“Even if she forgave you, I never could.”

“I’m sorry Cosette, I know she was your best friend. She was my cousin. She meant a lot to both of us. I am so sorry, I will never forgive myself,” I cried.

She hugged me. I cried on her shoulder as she cried on mine. I dropped my belongings and wrapped my arms around her. I no longer cared about getting back to class on time. I needed to be here and face my fears. Everything was gonna be ok after this.

I knew it.

nightmare.

I woke up. Well I guess that is what you can call it. I was in the back seat of a van. I opened the door, revealing a town. The sky was so bright I quickly closed the door and huddled back in the darkness. Then a man sat in the front seat of the car. I heard him mumbling something. I stepped toward him.
"Hello" I spoke in an unfamiliar voice. I reached out to touch him.
He screamed. His face ran pale, as if he had seen a ghost.
"Meghan?" he reached out to touch me. His hand was so warm. He looked frightened and confused.
We sat there, staring at each other until I realized whom this man was, my father. He had lost a lot of weight and his voice seemed harsh and unfriendly, not like I remember it.
I looked into the rearview mirror. I saw a girl, myself. But not as I remembered seeing myself. I had long, thin, straight black hair. It was perfect. I had a pale, but perfect complexion. Except when I pushed back my bangs on my forehead, it revealed a large scratch.
Father and I talked. He told me that mother had died, and Alex went off to college. He also told me that I died about five years ago, one year before mother. My body was found at the bottom of a construction site. In a large ditch, I lay at the bottom; my body parts sprawled apart like a puzzle. I was horrified at the image.
Father told me that after he was left alone, he moved away to start a new life. He didn’t change his name, but he changed his story. He didn’t tell anyone in this new town of the dreaded death of his beloved daughter, or his adored wife. All these people knew was that he had a son, off in college, and a daughter living with her mother, somewhere far away.
"Heaven" I whispered.
"Yes, I prayed that the Lord would take you and your mother to heaven, and keep you safe" he said in a low hopeful voice. "It still shocks me, that you are here. I don’t understand it" he sighed. "You look beautiful Meghan. Would you like to see the town?" he asked hopefully.
"Sure Dad, I would love to".
Before I left the van, Dad ran to the apartment and grabbed some old clothes of mine. They still fit perfectly. A pair of black skinny jeans, a white tank top, a black "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" jacket, red Converse’s, underwear, a few necklaces and bracelets, and my favorite red bow. I remembered that bow, the clasp broke when I stepped on it, but I guess my dad fixed it.
We walked out of the apartment, but instead of taking the van, we walked into town. It was the nicest town. Filled with shops and dinners. It seemed like something my father had always wanted to live in. As we walked hand-in-hand many people called out to my father saying hello.
Finally we arrived at this stored called Robinson’s where everyone knew my father. I was introduced to everyone he knew, even Robinson himself. Dad handed him a fifty and a piece of paper that said "rent" on it. I went about my business and looked at the make-up and jewelry. I asked my dad if I could buy some things and he agreed without a thought. I picked up some make-up, a few bracelets, and some new clothes. I even got Dad to let me get my ears pierced.
Soon the sun set, and we walked back to the apartment. Dad let me sleep in his bed while he slept on the couch, he said we would get me a bed tomorrow. Dad’s room was so simple. White bed sheets, white pillowcases, white comforter, and tan walls. He had a nice sized TV with a lot of movies. I watched TV until I fell asleep.
I woke up to my dad screaming on the phone. I couldn’t really understand what he was saying because he was far away. He seemed angry. Me being me, I wouldn’t snoop and listen in on his conversation. So I waited until I heard him hang up to walk out of the room.
I walked into the bathroom. I noticed that my eyes weren’t as brown as yesterday, they looked kind of brighter. I didn’t think anything of it, and continued on with my day.
Dad said there was a dance tonight at Robinson’s and that he wanted to buy me a dress. So we went to the dress shop and got a black and purple dress with matching shoes. I was so excited. But then I remembered everything my father had told me.
I ran back to the apartment and went straight into the bathroom crying.
I am dead. Why am I here now? I thought.
I looked up into the mirror. I was as pale as paper. My eyes weren’t brown at all. They were a sky blue. I lifted up my bangs and saw that my scar was bleeding. I screamed.
I sat in the bathtub, crying.
*　
I was sitting on Dad’s bed holding the phone. I wanted to call Alex, or one of my old friends, but I knew I couldn’t. I still remembered everyone’s cell number. I wanted words of wisdom from someone I trusted. I couldn’t trust Dad anymore.
The door swung open. Dad looked worried sick. He dropped the dress and the shoebox.
"Meghan. I will explain everything later. Just get dressed. We are going to the dance. Afterwards, I’ll explain everything" Dad said as he walked me into the bathroom to put a Band-Aid on my forehead.
We patched up my forehead, and I changed into the dress. It went down a little bit past my knees. And I walked out and saw Dad in a tux. He looked very good when he cleaned up, he always did.
There was something about my father that struck me as different. It wasn’t just his attitude. He looked different in a way, but I couldn’t put my finger on it exactly.
We walked to Robinson’s it looked beautiful. It was all lit up, and the sun had just set, so it really stood out.
I couldn’t help but imagine what my father was going to tell me. It scared me in a way. Was it about my death? Was it about mother? I just wanted to know.
After a while I looked at my father. Then I noticed exactly what was different about his look. He looked psycho. He looked absolutely insane, but no one seemed to notice.
The room froze. Everyone was still. Except me. I could still move. And father, he moved. He was looking out the window at the moon. A full moon. As I looked at it to, my forehead hurt.
Dad and I seemed to fade. I tried to scream out for help, but no one heard me.
I seemed to be by the old wishing well. I walked over to it. I looked down into the water and saw that it was the Meghan I remembered. Then I saw my Dad behind me, I turned around to hug him. He held a knife up to my throat. Then bashed my head on the well’s edge, right where I remembered the scar. Then he threw me into the well. I was unconscious, and soon drowned.
*　　
I walked into Robinson’s just to find a girl sitting on my father’s lap in a chair. Across from them was Robinson. He sat at the table yelling. The girl turned her head sharply and stared at me. It was the ‘dead’ Meghan. She stared at me so intently. I got scared, but I couldn’t look away.
Her eyes seemed to take me into a memory, but it was something I never saw before. It was mom and dad. Mom was crying and yelling at dad.
"How could you have killed our daughter? She was everything to you!" she yelled.
Dad pulled out that same knife he held up to my throat, and stabbed my mother. She lay on the kitchen floor, cold and dead.
I started to cry and shut my eyes.
I was back at Robinson’s, I was standing in the room all alone. I looked at the wall to my left, there was giant claw marks in it. I stepped back and bumped into someone.
"Dad?" I questioned as I turned around.
He stood there, with a psychotic smile on his face.
I ran.
I didn’t know where I was going.
Instincts just told me to keep going.
After running for so long, I found myself at the doorstep of my old house. I ran inside. Went straight to what used to be my room, and found Alex. He sat there in shock. He came up and hugged me.
"I love you Meghan, don’t ever scare me like that again. No more hide-and-seek."

* these are where I woke up. and then soon fell back asleep.

whatta geek?!

haha, i know. whatta dork, right? i got a blogger. usually im too lazy to do anything like this. but why not? haha. its a good way to get out what i want to write. i love to write, and now i have my special little place. i can write about anything and everything and have a place to write it. i might not be on a lot. or i might be on all day everyday. im not sure.