craazy! <3

well i am a bit boy crazy. i love guys. i love realtionships. i just love being loved and loving them in return. guys are a HUGE part of my life. im not just in a relationship for looks or the "good stuff". im in it for the love. i dont believe hidden relationships can work, from personal experience. i dont believe second chances are given, they are earned. long distance relationships seem to hard.

things i love about guys, well there is a lot. there is so much to each and every individual guy. spontaneous. mysterious. charming. smart. just an all around good personality. and a sense of humor. oh...and to be understanding. he also has to care, ive done stupid stuff and he needs to understand that its not always his fault. one thing in a guy i love so much is when he can pick me up. i feel so incredibly special. eyes, i get lost in them. smiles amaze me. this is weird, but i always love guys noses. i find them somewhat adorable. haha im a freakk. when a guy bites his lip or licks the bottom of his teeth makes me freak! i find it beyond adorable.

im also a little out there. my parents think im a slut. my friends believe i have torrets. my grandparents think i have some major issues. my brother just thinks im very strange. my friends parents love me, for the most part, and thats because i am a big kiss ass. my teachers somehow really know me, and they get me. they always kinda get why i am the way i am in class. counselors always tell me i worry way too much, and that i have anxiety problems. my friends always know im here for them, but i need them to be here for me too.

WEIRDNESS!

i have what people call "emotional issues". i have depression, anxiety, and acute paranoia...? my doctors wont perscribe me antidepresants. they say if i take them my suicidal thoughts will increase. oh yahh, i have a lot of suicidal thoughts. i have tried to commit suicide a few times [rather not say how many], but something always stops me: fear. and love. i know im loved way to much. i may not always act like i know. but deep down i do. i have had five mental breakdowns in the past two years. most of them in the past year. i hate having anxiety cause i constantly worry about EVERYTHING and EVERYONE! its annoying as hell. but its a part of life i guess. thats why i am not offended when i am called a worry wort.

i love going green, but not going crazy. haha. im the one who takes 20 min showers. when i brush my teeth i put water in a cup to use so i dont leave the sink running. i have one of those energy saving lightbulbs in my room. it gives off a weird pinkish glow sometimes. haha. i have OCD with making sure all the lights/TV/fan is off when i leave an empty room. but then there is the side of me that wastes energy... i love using the computer. im on it a lot. i love love love my phone, wich means i have to charge it. and i usually fall asleep to the TV on.

did someone say SHOES? ok. i love shoes. no thats an understatement. i am addicted to shoes! i may not always seem like it, but i am. i love my etnies. i got them from my cousin bridget. i have one pair of flip flops. and they are very uncomfortable, but i love that they are just simple. black. i have my red chucks wich i am in love with. i dont have many shoes, but i wish i did. then i have my lovely dress shoes. my 4inch red heels that i wore to chris's cotillion. my white wedges that i used for my semi formal. and a hideous pair of black heels. i hate them. a lot. i plan on having lots more shoes to add to my collection.

im a music freak. i love mostly everything. i dont like most rap. or most country. and a lot of hip hop and pop. or death metal. i do really like alternative, all alternative. indie. metal. punk. screamo. i have eight different playlists on myspace because i need my different music for my different moods. a FEW i really like are: blink 182, yellowcard, the messenger, the academy is, nevershoutnever, morgan laurance, the maine, dance gavin dance, nice guys finish first, slipknot, misfits, three days grace, skillet, boys like girls, paramore, queen, hellogoodbye, the wedding, taking back sunday, a day to remember, all time low, cobra starship, my chemical romance, owl city, dashboard confessionals, fall out boy, coldplay, plain white t's, augustana, david archuletta, david cook, daughtry, kelly clarkson, avril lavigne [old stuff], cash cash, less than jake, reel big fish, hit the lights, cute is what we aim for, gorillaz, playradioplay, hey monday, attack attack, four year strong, lovehatehero, and WAYYY to much more.

if you asked me: what do i live for? i would say dreaming. daydreaming actually. i love to daydream. its some of the happiest times in my life. dreaming at night or dreaming while sleeping isnt really likeable to me. i have scary dreams. daydreams present fond memories, and things i would love to have happen. dreaming while sleeping dreams scare me. dreams of death. dreams of fear. its just so creepy.

fears. i have a few. clowns! bridges! heights! jelly! and death! im scared of clowns because of the movie IT. killer clown. but the only time i dont mind it is when i watch killer clowns from space, idk awesome movie. bridges because my uncle commited suicide by jumping off the walt whitman bridge. heights because, well idk, i just dont like them. and death because i dont want to die, but then i do.

stupid things and choices are a part of life. yes, i have smoked a ciggarette. it was nasty, im not gonna do it again. probably. i have drank alcohol. im not a huge fan. i do like some stuff. and i am guilty of drinking out of adults wine glasses when they arent looking and going in the liquor cabinet. drugs aint my style. stupid. pot...no there is no PHYSICAL addiction, but there is a MENTAL addiction. i have people in my family that have done that and then quit, so i know.

writing<3.i love it! i may not be the best, but i try. i love to write/type. as you can see by this long long long blog. haha. all my feelings expressed in words is hard to do, but i work at it. i would love to have a daily journal, but its to much to remember, and sometimes i just dont wanna write. story ideas race through my mind. but i dont always want to write about them. poems are fun to write, but i suck at them. but one day i wish to be an author.

photography. obsession. that is my obsession. thats why i constantly have new pictures up. i love capturing a moment in time forever. a memory. good times. i love pictures of myself. yahh, call me conceited. shoes are awesome to get pictures of. editing pictures is awesome, too. i love different angles, and lens tricks. mirror shots are cool WITHOUT flash. i hate flash. it just ruins the atmosphere of th picture. but thats just me.

OCD much? yahh. i have obsessive compulsive disorder. not really bad. like i dont need professional help [for that]. just i hate odd numbers. long words are not in my dictionary because i need to know what they mean! i hate using words that have silent letters. i have to make sure if im leaving a room and no one else is in it that the lights and everything else is turned off. the TV volume has to be on 16 or 18. my cereal has to end with two. my food cannot touch. unless they are a good combination. and my food cannot have tomatoes on it.

stress is bad. stress sucks. when i stress i do odd things. like rubbing my thumb and index finger and making that awful sand paper noise. or eat sugary foods. i freak out really easily to when im stressed. like if i txt someone and they dont txt back i get worried. and when i stress i like to be alone, but my mother doesnt seem to get that.

i am quite odd when it comes to my sleeping habits. all summer i sleep in the living room on the couch. i stay till 1 or 3 or 5. usually till i fall asleep in texting, mainly gigi. haha. we have some good texting times. but when she goes to bed first i usually stay up. sometimes. then i have my nights where i cant sleep. [like tonite] [its 5:19am] ill stay up on the computer listening to music. i edit pictures, my playlist, and my profile at this time. some nights i dont sleep at all and am up for over 24 hours. these are the times where i do most of my thinking. like right now. i cant sleep because yet again my thoughts are racing.

clothes!!! i love it. im a shoppoholic. kinda... i love borrowing my friends clothes to. mix & match. i love to do it. and sometimes i like clashing. i either base my outfit around my shoes, or make them clash. i love borrowing friends clothes because it gives me a chance to try something new. haha. hoodies are probably my favorite article of clothing. then skinny jeans. then shoes. then shirts. then acessories. then my undershirt. then everything else.

my family is wayy out there. and there are a lot of issues in my family. a lot of these issues made the person i am today. December 23, 2006 at aprox. 7:30 am on the Walt Whitman bridge my uncle Micheal Romano commited suicide. he jumped off the bridge after talking to his wife, my aunt Debbie. this devistated me, and the whole family. 2004-2005 was my brother's eight grade year at GLMS. this was a very hard time for him. he tried commiting suicide so many times. it was the saddest time in my whole life. one night with alex we were having a camp out in the living room and he was getting ready for bed. he poured out a bottle of asprin onto the coffee table and looked at me. he said "meghan, dont worry if there is a blue body bag here in the morning. i love you". and swallowed a huge dose of pills then drifted off to sleep. i cried and ran into my room and prayed and prayed untill i fell asleep with my rosary. the next day i found him awake on the couch. i was so happy i didnt loose him. soon after this day he was taken from school to be put into the Psych Ward at Kennedy Hospital. he was gone for a week. there are a lot of drugs in my family. a lot have stopped, but it wasnt always like that. my mom was also an alcoholic when i was little. my family is very disfunctional.